I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
