Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
