I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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