Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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