There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
