when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
