my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
