I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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