Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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