I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sext me about skeletons
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
