she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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