dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
