I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
