Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
