Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
