You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
