Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
