Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
