If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
