I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
