I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
