the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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