i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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