Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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