OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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