just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize