she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
