he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
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