I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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