I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
