I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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