I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
