Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he shaved USA in his pubs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
