Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
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