our cab driver is having phone sex.
I intend to get homeless drunk
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
