I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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