Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
