I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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