Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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