Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
