I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cannot find my penis.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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