I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
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