I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
