Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm just crazy horny about you
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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