My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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