I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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