I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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