I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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