matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
