I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
