I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
