Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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