Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize