im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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