If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
