I didn't shave. On purpose
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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