the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
