the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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