why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
