my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
