It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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