PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
