hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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